Help with Household Tasks: Feeling husbands don't contribute equally to housework or childcare.

Okay, this is a big one. This causes a lot of problem, the whole “mental load” and “somebody has to decide.” So I got a story for you and then we'll unpack it.

There was a lady who was talking with her husband and she wanted to eat on plates, and he was like, "I'd be fine if we ate on paper plates. I don't care. Throw ‘em away when we're done."

Her: "No, we have to eat on plates. It's just not done. It's not appropriate to, to eat on paper plates. We have to have real plates."

But then she gets mad because he's not doing the dishes or he's not offering to do the dishes.

That he doesn't want to do because he’s okay with eating on paper plates.

She decided “we have to eat on proper plates,” which now means the dishes have to be washed and dried and put back away versus paper plates throw 'em away.

So now she's mad at him for not wanting to do the dishes that he doesn't want to eat on in the first place.

And she's mad at him and hurt for him not wanting to do the thing she decided “’we” are going to do, against his wishes.

Do you understand now why guys get upset about this?

Look, I don't wanna do the damn dishes.

I don't want to even eat on dishes.

We could just have paper plates.

I'd be happy with that.

So this whole idea of, “well, if somebody has to do it, it has to be done” … The “mental load” of the housework.

No.

Her: "But, SOMEBODY has to do the laundry."

Him: "Yeah. Well, not really."

Her: "But if YOU aren’t going to do it, then I HAVE TO DO IT."

Him: "No."

Her: "Well, we can't live in a pigsty."

Him: "Yeah, we can until one of us gets to that place of I can’t stand this, or we can negotiate what it is we need or want." (Jeremy here: check out the Five to Thrive, it's part of your hack-pack for a reason!)

Her: "Well, you live here too. I shouldn't have to point out how messy this house is!"

Him: "Your definition of messy and my definition of messy may not be the same."

Jeremy again:

I know for my wife, if the counters in the kitchen are not clean… our house is a pigsty and a disaster. And I know it makes her feel tense. I know it makes her feel like our house is so disgusting and gross.

Even if we just cleaned the whole house all day on Sunday and did all the laundry because the top of the counters, all the flat surfaces, if they are cluttered, she feels our whole entire life is cluttered.

That's not wrong. That's her! I understand that.

So if I want to win with her (and I do) if I want her to have availability for me in her heart, her mind, or her body… then I gotta understand where she's at and what she needs to thrive, but she's gotta communicate that so we’re on the same page.

She’s lucky that I notice patterns and I affect change. Not to earn love, not to earn validation or approval from her. She doesn’t withhold love from me, but if she’s tense when the house feels cluttered - Oh crap, I get that. I can deal with that.

So, ladies, you have to decide what are the chores that need to get done and who's gonna do them, and to what degree of completeness… because if it matters so much that it's bothering you and he's not doing anything about it, then it’s not something that bothers him.

He's not on that wavelength and for you to make him wrong for the things he doesn't care about… that’s not a great strategy for success. But he DOES want to score points with you, so that’s in your favor!

Realize his nature and if he’s NOT showing up the way you need, tell him how to win with you, for you…

“Honey, you would be so strong. So amazing. SUCH my hero, my man if you just SLAYED those dirty dishes. If you MURDERED the trash monster in the kitchen.”

What’s a “full trash can” means different things to different people. For you, it might be “full” when it’s 1 inch below the rim.

But you ask him, “Honey, do you think the trash is full” knowing full well that you want him to take out the trash. And he looks over, and he knows he hasn’t pushed it down yet once or twice, it’s not spilling over, so he answers, “Nope.”

And you’re left FUMING because he just disrespected you, and he doesn’t care about this house, and I just have to do everything around here, and…

And all the while he’s just sitting there thinking he answered your question, because he heard your words, but not your intent. (see: Four Stage Communication Model, which is video one in Finally Getting Your Kids to Listen)

He doesn’t realize this exchange leaves you feeling isolated, alone, misunderstood, and unsupported.

We're talking two different languages. It's dogs barking and cats meowing. That was an invitation for him to take action versus if you said, “Hey honey, you know what would make you just like the biggest, strongest, sexiest man I know is if that trash can was just cleaned up and empty, I would just think you're so incredible. In the next 20 minutes.”

And he’d be like, “Wait, what? If I, in the next 20 minutes, do that – you’ll think I’m a hero and I get points???” And off he goes.

So please realize: you can game him.

But you might think, “I shouldn’t have to game my husband.”

And then I’d have to ask about being right, or getting results that was sorta the first thing we covered in this guide, wasn’t it?

So, do you wanna be right or do you wanna get results?

If you wanna get results, do a Chore List for the Family – do not isolate anyone as misbehaving. It works for kids, it works for husbands. Here's what needs to get done to earn a check mark.

And maybe you have a husband who's more in his feminine, more in his nesting, and he'll do more stuff around the home, naturally. That’s awesome for you!

Help with Household Chores

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