Initiating Quality Time: Wives wanting husbands to take the lead in planning meaningful activities.

Ugh. This is often a case of unvoiced expectation – and even VOICED expectation, or request, or demand… crashing head first into the “stages of masculine development”

Little know detail about guys – we move through stages:

Pages - aka knight wanna-be… look at me! I’m strong, I’m helpful, I’m capable!
Knights - all about the adventure, starts around puberty, doesn’t start to shift until late 20s, early 30s and some guys NEVER get past the Knight stage.
Princes - king wanna-be, planting a flag (there’s a whole thing about just that), building a kingdom, work becomes a COMPULSION, an all-consuming thought, need, drive, demand on ALL his free time, passion and energy. Lasts about 10 to 15 years – late 20s or early 30s through mid-40s. This is the driving force for a LOT of divorces – he’s so distracted and his wife is resentful and hurt, and eventually gets sick of feeling like she’s 2^nd place while he is sacrificing everything to build the kingdom and safety for her and the kids.
The Tunnel - a phase 6 months to 3 years in length when it feels like his entire life is falling apart on the inside and all he can do is question himself, his sense of self sort of unravelling, usually mid-to-late 40s.
King - men who fully own themselves, their mission in life, what they are willing, able and capable of proving, and knows what he’s not interested in – generally early to mid-50s.

When a man is kingdom building, when he’s a Prince, all of his time, all of his energy, his heart, his mind is unconsciously focused on producing results and his bandwidth is like a computer with a ton of files open. Any maybe it’s not “all” – but definitely 85% of the time, he’s distracted from you, your needs, the family. And it’s not personal. It FEEL personal, but it’s not.

So, if you want him to take the initiative and plan, you've gotta set him up for success.

You've gotta say something like:

“Hey, I'd love to go out with you between these dates. Can you make that a priority? Can you make that happen? Here’s a selection of times, place, activities – pick from column A, B, C.”

You've got a breadcrumb trail him and make it small and bite-size

If he had a list of places you like to eat and he had a list of people that could watch the kids, you're more likely to get success from him. Or cheat and work with his assistant or VA (if he has one).

And no, it's not fair. It just isn’t. No, this isn’t right.

You shouldn't have to put all this mental effort into it.

He SHOULD be doing more for you, with you, to you. But a “should” is a rule, not reality. I live in the land of “is” – this IS what’s happening, so align!

Remember we agreed in the beginning?

Do you wanna be right or do you wanna get results?

So, this is one of those times when if you are not getting what you want and he's not taking enough initiative, dumb it down for him. Make it simpler because he does not have the mental and emotional bandwidth.

As a King, OMGoodness – he’ll show up in spades, and give and give and give all he is.

But right now, as a Prince, he is kingdom building.

He is producing income, results.

He is out fighting all the battles in life, and he wants to win with you, for you.

But when you make it obtuse or you make it this passive thing or start to play the “if you just love me enough, you’ll do this…” card, he's just not going to “get” that and it just hurts him when he fails you, too.

That's not fair to either of you.

Give this a go for a month or 2, see how it feels when he’s able to win with you.

This is why I coach men, why I reach out so much to men. As guys, we HAVE to take the initiative and we have to lead, but we’re not aware of our compulsions and the drives. We can’t fix a think when we don’t know it’s controlling us.

Once we become aware, we can make new decisions, we can “cheat,” we can hack the situation.

My wife needs a date night ever 7 to 10 days. If she doesn’t get 1:1 time with me, no kids, not “mom,” not “dad” – just a boy who likes a girl and a girl who likes a boy… out in the world, nothing else going on. She needs that to rejuvenate and recharge her soul. I know how much it means to her. I will move Heaven and Earth to make sure she feels like she’s the most important person in the world because she is, to me.

I decided at 9 that I wanted to be a dad and it didn’t happen until I was 39! I looked for her for a long time, I won’t want her to EVER feel like she’s taken for granted. I don’t ever want her feeling like things are just expected of her, from her. I want her to feel appreciated. Every Day.

But I have to schedule it. I have to block out my calendar to make her a priority.

This is why I coach men.

Ladies – set him up for success! My wife has to do this for me sometimes, too. I’m in kingdom building mode at times.

Initiating Quality Time

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