Problem solving over empathy, trying to solve problems instead of offering emotional support.

This is the thing, when you’re venting, a part of him is like, “You've been kvetching with me about this for the last six months. Can we just ducking DEAL with it, once and for all? Like Holy hand grenade on a cheese pizza! I'm tired of talking about this, AGAIN.”

That's partly where he’s at – but he’s not going to say it. (or rarely says it)

You just feel his tension increases as you’re talking about whatever is weighing on you.

And you’re telling him so he’ll know what your feeling, or help to explain why you might be tense. You just want to feel connected to him.

But he’s gonna go into solving or resolving this thing.

Consider whatever you’re talking about (especially something you’ve talked about before) like a tiger out in the village, eating villagers.

Do you want to talk about how unsafe it feels? How scary and unstable the village feels?

OR

Would you like the tiger removed from the village, permanently and THEN we can talk about feelings, if necessary?

Because 2 of a masculine person’s top drives are to protect and to provide, in that order. So he’s going to fight before he’s going to feed.

Masculine is designed to take action and we can only handle so much complaining before it's like, “Obviously you're lecturing me.”

Masculine tends to lecture when imparting an important lesson, or when forced to rescue someone. If I’ve got to rescue you, save you from yourself, you’re getting a lecture because “rescue” that’s a waste of time, energy, resources – be better prepared!

So when a masculine person is being lectured about something, they don't wanna sit and listen to the lecture and how it makes you feel. They want to go directly to the source of the problem and resolve it.

This ties back to lack of communication, which was #1 clip above.

If every time he says something, he gets lectured, then he’s going to start to believe, “I'm the problem. I'm not gonna tell you what's going on with me. I can't because it's not safe for me. Because I'm gonna get attacked and now you weaponized yourself, or what’s going on against me. You're not an asset or an ally, you're an opponent.“

That's not how he wants it with you: Asset and Ally

So, yeah, he's gonna go to problem solving as his unconscious default.

If a man calls another man on the phone, “just to talk” --- someone owes someone else some money!

Again, line it up for him, give him a context for the conversation:

“Hey babe, I don't need you to solve a problem. I just need you to listen to me vent for a minute, and then I'll feel better and everything will be good for me. There’s no problem with us, we’re good – but I got this thing on my mind (or I’m carrying this thing in my heart) and it helps to talk it out. No problem solving, okay?”

If you can tell him that he can show up for you like that you both win.

Problem Solving Over Empathy

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